Ask HN: How do I become less arrogant?
Through some introspection I've always been aware of the fact that I sometimes act a little cocky or plain arrogant (especially during a technical argument) and I've always hated this side of me.
Recently it was brought up during a chat with some colleagues and all I could do was apologize and tell them I was aware of this personality trait of mine and I would work on it. Plus the recent events involving Linus Torvalds made me think more and more about how this personality trait can be destructive, in the long run.
Other than my personal research I wanted to ask the community here: how can I take my arrogance down a few notches?
You probably need to remember the proverb, "empty vessels make the most noise". Also the dunning Kruger effect. It is possible that you are way too confident/cocky because you don't know much.
I was cocky when I started out at my first job because I knew latest and greatest. But after working for years and running into people who are way more knowledgeable and smart, I came to know my place. You will too.
I think this may not be the right forum to ask such a question. There seems to be a lot of arrogance around here, myself included unfortunately. That being said I would suggest you are already on the righteous path by being aware of your short commings and trying to deal with them. Maybe religion, or self help books? "How to win friends and influence people" seems to be a good seller.
Thanks for the suggestion. I was also ambivalent about posting here but I thought that this might be a feeling a lot of other programmers have, similarly to the impostor syndrome. I have that book on my to-read list, will make sure to bump it to the top!
When I was a child, I read about Gauss, Abel, and a bunch of people who were good. It killed my braggadocio in the egg.
When I did Judo, I've always sought to fight the best ones (bigger, aggressive, technical). In football too, I always went for the best technical players who can humiliate anyone. The price to pay was to have people laugh when you're thrown in the air.
In my experience, arrogance can come from truly being great at something, but I mostly witnessed it in people who were lacking and trying to protect their ego. The usual advice is to let go of the ego, but maybe instead of "killing your ego", you can "redirect it". Instead of trying to protect your image of competence, you can wire your ego and feed it on the idea that you're diligent. If you tie your ego to the idea you're diligent, you will try to stick to that image of a diligent person.
A diligent person seeks people with different angles to a topic to know everything there is to know about it. You trick yourself into the pursuit of a truth, instead of making it a conflict between two persons.
Arrogance also manifests itself in sarcasm. In a technical dialogue, an arrogant person will often use sarcasm. This is lame. One way to limit this is to think about what you're about to say really hard and weight the amount of information it contains. Is it a snarky remark about how Windows sucks? Is it something you're repeating after reading a blog post? Do you really master what you're talking about? Are you pissing on a language quirk or bottleneck you haven't even reached? Is that really a technically sound argument? How much do I know about this?
One way that helps is to imagine you're not having the argument with the person you're having it with, but the world's most renowned expert on the subject who forgot more about pretty much any topic than you'll probably know. Chances are you won't present the same arguments because you know they are weak and you know that because you know you don't know as much as you think (hopefully). This also helps avoid being a douche and a bully (would I act the same way with a guy who can break me in half? If not, I'm probably being gratuitously disrespectful). Would I act this way with someone who knows more than me? This question will shift the attitude and make it the same: one of curiosity, one of a seeker. It will allow learning and teaching at the same time, with the same ease.
One of the things I try to keep in mind is that people have a diverse set of skills and experience. Combine that with the fact that there is usually a dozen ways to solve problems opinions can differ and even be right when viewed from different vantage points.
I'll also throw in that a lot of people when confronted by an idea try to find a fault with it. And feel they've accomplished something by tearing it down. When the correct approach is to try and find what's right about it and fix it's defects as much as possible before judging it.
A couple of ideas:
- Expose yourself to people whom you consider smarter, more talented, or more accomplished than yourself. Ideally in person; you might also read biographies of people who accomplished amazing things.
- Take up a new hobby as a beginner. At various times as an adult I've tried out karate, piano, improv comedy; all of these have been a good antidote to my own natural arrogance.
Good for you for realizing it! Seriously, that is more than many people ever do.
I've struggled with similar issues, and my impression is that arrogance primarily comes from two misjudgments: thinking too highly of myself, or too little of others. The first was reduced as I realized that I too can and do make mistakes. The second gave way the more I learnt to appreciate and value the people I interact with.
I believe that this second aspect is key. Arrogance is offensive because it belittles others. Humility respects and appreciates the other person. Arrogance thinks my knowledge/skills/wealth makes me better than others. Humility sees the good in the other person, their skills and character traits (that may be very different from mine), and values them for it.
Being humble doesn't mean denying what you're good at, that's false humility. It means appreciating people for who they are and what they're good at, and then treating them accordingly.
This is good advice, but paradoxically, outward arrogance can also be caused by thinking TOO LITTLE OF ONESELF, so another remedy can be developing confidence in oneself without needing to belittle others.
+1. Some people act arrogant and feel like they know it all because they may have insecurity (in my local community: being out of job, failed startup, problems at home, etc). I recently met a couple of folks who were very content with themselves and very humble yet extremely smart. I almost forgot how much people like this can inspire me, discussions with them are very constructive and you feel really good after a conversation.
Be content with yourself. If you're the person with the most knowledge and technical expertise then great, but be humble about other skills that you may not have and that you can still learn from others: teaching, inspiring, helping, making people feel that they're being listened to without being condescending.
I was one of the top students of my graduating high school class. I turned down a spiffy scholarship and the opportunity to attend one of the top two unis in my home state.
I did so in part because teachers always held me up as proof that they were excellent teachers and other students could do as well as me if they just tried when there was zero basis for this idea. They were claiming credit for something they didn't do while making me a target of hatred by all the other students.
I'm a social creature and I had no real friends and classmates treated me terribly. My arrogance was the only defence I had in an abusive social setting.
For me, the antidote is an environment of mutual respect where the strengths of individuals are valued and no one is treated badly. Unfortunately, I can only fully achieve this at home. However, even reducing the level of toxic BS elsewhere helps.
Best.
Arrogance has a place and time. I enjoy running, so on race day when you need to summon all your strength being arrogant is useful. But it's usually harmful during training where you need to take it easy and listen to your body.
I go to run meets where there are much faster people than me and I struggle to keep up, that is very humbling and keeps my ego in check. Also, going to races and seeing how much better trained other are does that too.
Trying to tie this analogy back into your situation. There's no point in being right all the time at the expense of coming off rude. Save all that arrogance for when it counts and you need to win an argument, say in a meeting or something.
Also, I would say that you are probably missing some growth opportunities by being arrogant. Take a step back and don't worry about being right, but about growing.
I think you're missing the point of what arrogance is. Arrogance is not the same as being right and saying so. Arrogance is thinking you're right (whether you are or not is irrelevant), and saying so in a way that demeans others.
Most people don't take offense just because you're smarter than them. But almost everybody takes offense if you behave as if you're better than them, just because you're smarter.
Again, being humble doesn't mean having a bad opinion of yourself, it means having a high opinion of others. It has nothing to do with not saying what you believe to be right just to avoid a confrontation. It has everything to do with respecting the other person and showing them that you do; it means listening to and engaging with them instead of steamrollering them with your "right" solution.
(Who knows, your "right" solution may still profit from their input... Regardless, at the end of the day, you are not only more likely to have a better solution, you will have also have invested into good relationships - and that is worth a lot more.)
Recognize that you will ultimately be limiting what you can achieve if you are alienating people. Extrapolate to the whole planet... if everyone acted this way what would the world be like in ten years?
I recommend spending about 30 minutes every evening reflecting on previous discussions/conversations that you have had with people. Also, if you have any cringe-worthy memories in which you behaved in an arrogant manner then these are worth revisiting in order to consider alternatives for better behavior in future scenarios.
Pardon my being a contrarian, but consider if it were Steve Jobs or Larry Ellison or Thomas Edison asking this question.
Societal progress sometimes benefits from arrogance. Perhaps it even depends on it on rare occasions.
Maybe you should consider owning and leveraging the arrogance you have by focusing on an entrepreneurial career track, where you can get people to put up with the arrogance.
I don't believe the arrogance, per se, of any of these individuals benefited societal progress. In the case of Thomas Edison, his arrogance arguably held societal progress back.
Arrogant people are rarely great leaders. I'd posit that Steve Jobs wasn't successful because he was arrogant, but in spite of it. I don't think arrogance is ever to be excused. (Remember, arrogance is not the same as superior skill or knowledge, but an attitude that actively puts others down.)
What are some actions you qualify as arrogant?
Providing a bit of detail could be helpful in devising a strategy fit for your particular flavor.
Meh. Do your colleagues dislike you? If not, then it isn't a problem, other than some way it directly affects the flow of technical work, which you can compensate for. As long as you're putting yourself up and not putting your colleagues down, you're fine.
Like/dislike of a person isn't a binary value. I can think of several people who are very dear to me, yet who have some aspect of their character I find terrible to live or work with. Do I like them? Yes, absolutely. Do I want them to change that aspect? Yes, absolutely!
Working to overcome your own arrogance isn't primarily about fixing a technical work-related problem, it's about treating people the way you'd want to be treated.
If you're arrogant, you don't really mind if others are, too, so that formula doesn't really work. If you're at work, just keep work conversations moving in a productive direction. Nobody sensible is going to really dislike you if you're arrogant and basically transparent and forthright in personality. I mean, there's the kind of people that go around looking for reasons to categorize people as good and bad, but you shouldn't worry about them. (They're bad!)
What really helped me is psychodrama (not sure if that's how it is called elsewhere) and non violent communication (courses available internationally I'm sure). I still tend to be cynical and offensive at times, but it happens less often.
Put yourself at the receiving end of some arrogant prick for an extended period of time. You will then discover a myriad of ways to achieve your objectives with being one.
Have someone die in your arms and then you'll understand the fragility, fleetingness, and beauty of us all. Once you connect with people on this level, humility seeps in.
But please don't manufacturer this situation :)
Confidence without Humility tends to Arrogance. Humility without Confidence tends to Humiliation. In your case ? turn up the humility a notch or two. Good Luck
Confidence without humility tends to arrogance. Humility without confidence tends to humiliation. In your case ? turn up the humility a notch or two. Good Luck
Read biographies. So much to learn from other people who lead a humble life.
7g of mushrooms in a dark room.