Ask HN: How to stop being cynical all the time?
Maybe I'm just growing up, or building "character", but I realize I will always have to endure bullshit in life that I have no control over. In college, it's going through unhelpful TA's and price gouging by Pearson/Housing/etc. At work, it's maybe office politics or even in consulting it's unreasonable clients. A friend would tell me to "suck it up and drive on".
I'm slowly cutting out unessential social media. I only check the news twice a day. I've listened to "this is water" by David Foster Wallace. I've read the Cracked article on Six Harsh Truths. I do exercise/yoga and slowly am integrating ten minutes of mindfulness into my moring. I'm still crabby.
Most of the adult world runs on bullshit. Bullshit jobs fueled by bullshit corporate politics. It's hard to find meaning in the corporate world.
But there are some things that are resistant to cynicism, like having meaningful friendships and relationships. Or working diligently to achieve some big dream of yours. Or getting out of the corporate world and walking the entrepreneur path.
For as much as bullshit exists in the world, there are also genuine things to pay attention to and care about.
If you feel you are cynical all the time, then that means you haven't found something that you can genuinely devote your energy into.
Your post reminded me of "This is water".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI
http://bulletin-archive.kenyon.edu/x4280.html
I'm not the OP, but what are the best ways to discover something with meaning?
I don't think meaning is a path that can be forced. You have to figure it out on your own. What I would suggest is focus on things where the journey brings you happiness and satisfaction not the potential outcome. I like to code just for the sake of learning and coding and "making things move". Whether that skills translates into a successful business or app idea or not is irrelevant to me. I have several hobbies I treat this way. "Doing the thing" is what brings me pleasure, not the romanticized idea that I will be successful doing it or become some master of it in the future.
Many don't know that overtime you can curate the thoughts you allow in your head. If you start thinking a complaining thought just don't let the thought continue. This is by no means easy but as you build up the habit eventually the thoughts won't even pop up.
It's a positive feedback loop. I feel negative I think negative thoughts, that makes me more negative. So you have to break that loop. I feel negative, I think a negative thought, then nope not listening to that. What's something positive I can think about? That coffee I had this morning was pretty good. Oh that's right tonight I get to finish the next episode of that show I like.
Eventually your outlook gets more positive.
On mobile, so I'm too lazy to find the source.
When older seniors were asked the secret to a happy life, they said you choose to be happy.
I feel that relates to your currated thoughts model. I can see that in myself and many who I've meet. Situations where life kicked them in the teeth and they have all the justifications to be angry and bitter, yet they are not. Enjoy the small things, don't give much heed to the negatives. The most important step one can take is the next one. Enjoy the journey.
I'm reminded of my kids when they were little. In a angry, sobbing mess: "She made me [fill in the blank]!" Usually, my response was around the lines of, "no, you chose to react by [fill in the blank]."
A concrete example. It could start with a provoked action, like taunting leading to frustration, leading to an outburst where milk got spilled and the spiller blaming the taunter. "You made me spill my milk!" Nearly every time, I would attempt to explain that the spiller chose to react the way they did, and while it is not ok that they were taunted, it was their choice to throw a fit and it was their fault the milk was spilled or their fault they were angry. They were not manually forced to spill their milk. Their choices led to that. And on the flip side, the other child would be scolded separately for being mean.
I tried to teach them that they are responsible for how they feel and how they act. The world can't "make" them feel or act, they choose it. Time will tell if that lesson was helpful.
Learning to accept things you cannot change is one of the hardest things I've had to learn growing up.
Constant black and white thinking and cognitive distortions [0] all will increase your anxiety. Realize these emotions' utility and purpose. These feelings are meant to provoke action or change by you to improve your life. Constant negativity about things you have no control over cannot and will not ever help you.
It's good to practice questioning yourself when you're being crabby. Nothing in the world is 100% negative. The world is a lot more gray then black or white.
Try to challenge your assumptions about the world a bit more. Accept that maybe you don't know everything, and you almost never have the whole story, and use that to feel better.
For example, you may think that you're being ripped off constantly. You can challenge that with "at least it's keeping people working, and providing for their families". Maybe what you consider being "ripped off" isn't actually you being ripped off, maybe it's expensive to make these books. Don't think of it as 100% of the cost is a rip off. Maybe be like, well at least the books are worth 75% of what I paid for them.
In essence, if you cannot fix an issue yourself, you have to learn how to not care so much by either lessening the negativity of an event by challenging your emotions, either by turning negatives into a positive, or letting it just not affect you because it's not worth it.
[0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
Between learning to accept things I cannot change and learning to change things I cannot accept, I find them both equally difficult, so I have opted to pursue the latter as it's at least mildly more interesting.
It's not really a one-or-the-other kinda deal. It's not a fork in the road. Acceptance of things you cannot change isn't an opt-out whilst it is possible to opt out of trying to change things that you could change if you tried. But accepting things out of your control IS a change in itself.
Make an effort to discard the anger, bitterness, and confusion that results from "things you cannot change" and you'll probably find it easier to focus on the things you can change.
Whether it's interesting or not doesn't (shouldn't) really factor into improving one's long-term mental health.
Reminds me of:
If you can't change something, why worry about it? If you can change something, either do so or don't; why worry about it?
You have more control over your thoughts than you think you do -- it's a muscle like any other that gets stronger with practice. The next time you find yourself being cynical, try this:
Take a moment to mentally step away from your cynical thought seeds. Observe them from an omniscient, non-judgemental point-of-view, as best as you can.
Like a farmer looking over his land, he knows nothing on his farm can affect him unless he allows it to affect him. As the observer, you gets to decide what thoughts to water and grow. The flip side is equally true too -- deprive negative thoughts of attention and resources and they'll pass.
Once upon a time, I used to rage when driving. Then I remember traveling with another person who I consider equally / more passionate and someone cut us off. This guy didn't even notice and kept our conversation going. Obviously I pointed it out and he was like 'yeah, what're you gonna do about him'. That moment kinda changed my life when it comes to things I don't control / whatever I classify as bullshit - in essence someone else unfairly taking advantage of you.
I still am pretty cynical in the sense that I have very low expectations. I strongly believe in entropy and that everything will fail you :). But I use that to temper my disappointment when things/people fail me rather than affecting my general world view: I keep my focus on my stuff and just brush off (or try really hard to) the external effects.
Just my $0.02 - HTH
(@SubuSS: this is not a 'reply' as such, it's more of an extension of the same as what you said as per my experience of similar)
Driving rage, yep, I lived there for a long time. It's one of the specific experiences I keep referring back to when I need to re-evaluate my state of mind.
People that cut you off just have no awareness of the world around them, and whilst it's dangerous and shouldn't happen (despite the fact it happens so frequently), it shouldn't affect your emotional state. It shouldn't make you angry and aggressive for any length of time because your emotional state won't change the situation or the other person, it just ruins part of your day - don't let it.
The other side of the driving rage coin is that I've made mistakes whilst driving, and in those (very rare) situations I'm glad someone else was able to react quickly enough that it didn't turn into something worse.
There's also the familiar driving situation when someone else rages at you for, seemingly, no reason. I've learnt to actually enjoy that because I figure that they're having a worse time than me. Poor angry person letting their emotions dictate their life. Pity is healthier than anger.
Expectations are the cause of many an argument. Didn't bring home flowers on Valentine's Day and cop it from both barrels from the missus? Mis-aligned expectations. Assume the worst and anything better is a win :)
The ability to self-analyse is key, I think. Why do I feel this way? What caused it? How can I change it next time? Treat the cause, not the symptoms.
It all takes effort though, gotta make it a habit.
I am living in a country where there is no respect for traffic rules. I too used to rage but I have stopped.
The realization came when I realized I am helpless and cannot change anything. What I can really do is learn to cope with the madness. This realization helped me a lot to lead a stress free life. I stopped convincing people or caring about them if they are difficult. In life the first priority is myself and then everybody else. Taking care of oneself really breaks your stress away.
I found that as soon as I expected people to make mistakes driving, those mistakes bothered me much less. When I held strangers to high regard; I was always disappointed.
Moving from reactionary to anticipatory made me a much calmer person (in practice, it's hard to fulfill all the time).
Get a job or volunteer helping people in need. Nothing changes your view of life like viewing life from the point of view of someone in need and you being able to help.
+1. American Red Cross disaster response - join the movement!
Hey,
I'm 23 years old and in the same boat. Was always a cheerful person, but I've found myself becoming ruder, more curt, and always on edge as if everyone is out to argue/fight. I'm finding it tough working in an office environment where lots of things are annoying me and making it hard for me to not snap at people.
Good luck to you and hope we can figure something out.
In addition to This is Water, I really recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People, and Slaughterhouse Five.
Cheers :)
Along with all the other good advice here: Get enough sleep. Pretty much without fail, any time I start getting down on life or the daily grind or the state of the world or whatever, I notice I wasn't nearly getting enough sleep that week.
That and sometimes happiness is a habit, find small things that make you happy instead of small things that make you angry. Or just learn to revel in the chaos like a madman...
Realise that the root cause of all misery on this planet is: “The world is not happening the way I think it should happen”.
Totally.
People misconstrue the design goals of systems all the time and it causes unending frustration.
Understanding the real design goals behind most things usually leads to unending sadness.
I believe the OP knows what's up.
I am but a humble observer of this universe begging, borrowing and stealing pearls of wisdom from greater beings that came before me.
The material universe has never been, is not and will never be perfect. Let go!
Moreover, every atom in the universe is ever changing. When you look at your reflection in the mirror, by the time light bounces off your face, reflects back into your retinas and registers in your brain, your body has already changed! So what is it that you are calling "me"?
The actual process of doing something has to be enjoyable. At best the final result can be icing on the cake - but you have to love the cake first.
Hope you find peace and enjoy life OP - its a boon!
I’m not sure. For me the point in college was to learn a lot, or outscore other students on the curve, so I didn’t really care about TAs or textbook costs. At work my point is just building a career, to which most coworkers are just incidentally relevant. If coworker is an asshole I’m lucky so far to usually treat it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with assholes, and learn how dodge their moves/move in the right direction anyway. But it’s easier to do this the easier your life is in general perhaps.
> I'm still crabby.
This reminds me of a post I saw on Facebook: "I used to think I was in a bad mood, but it has been a couple of years now, so I guess this is just who I am now."
Anyway, I think an argument that defuses cynicism is this: (1) Cynicism is generally believing that everyone is bad and it doesn't even bother them. (2) But it bothers you. (3) So that's one person in the world who's not as bad as you bemoan. And it would be unreasonable to think that you are the only person like that.
That's an intellectual answer but not an emotional one, which is equally important, because cynicism I believe is an emotional adjustment. People keep disappointing you. That hurts. If you lower your expectations, then they won't disappoint you so much. Voila! Intermittent sharp pains are all replaced by a chronic, everpresent, dull one. Many people seem to prefer it this way. But obviously something inside you has died.
A fuller treatment requires me to talk about religion, which is frowned upon here. Suffice it to say that if you believe in the Fall then you see the current state of affairs just like someone who doesn't believe in the Fall. But your attitude about it is different. Your attitude is, it makes perfect sense why I'm discontent with the way things are.
I'm a bit confused and would love to hear you elaborate on your last paragraph.
C. S. Lewis does a fine job in his book Mere Christianity. He talks about the conscience, where does it come from? It seems to hold us all to higher standard, including ourselves, but we fail to fulfill it. It's not just a matter of disliking another's actions because they are inconvenient. For example, say someone takes my shirt, and now I'm mad because I'm missing a shirt. Someone might argue that that is all conscience is. But it's not like that. It's a sense that it was objectively wrong, and so it would be wrong for me to take your shirt even though it improves my situation.
I also recommend his book The Problem of Pain, which talks about man's long history of belief in the supernatural, despite the outlandishness of the idea.
C. S. Lewis was an atheist until his early 30s. He taught at Oxford and then Cambridge, during the first half of the 20th century.
I was in the same sitch. I quit my job and I’ve never been happier. Idk how much runway you have but if it’s like a year and a half, quit your job, learn the skills you always wanted to learn and go be free.
I’ve convinced three people (two personal friends, one person here from hacker news comments). My friends have thanked me for telling them the truth, the hn person quit too recently to be able to tell but I’m sure he’ll be fine.
You mean 1.5 years living expenses? How much do you think is good?
Also, if you find yourself having imposter syndrome do you think it's still worth it? Hate my job currently because I'm barely learning anything, there are no mentors, and the technology is old (EJBs). Not even sure if I want to stay a programmer.
Yeah, 1.5 years. Idk, the more the better.
I had the biggest impostor syndrome. I’ve realized it’s bullshit. Impostor syndrome comes from you not having done stuff for long enough. You’ll be surprised how much progress you can make after like a month of dedicated work. Email me (my email is in my profile) if you want to talk more about this.
I also had my doubts about programming as a field btw. The nature of corporate programming is that it’s very slow and unexciting.
Perhaps go into work with a different outlook and mindset instead of resorting to the nuclear option immediately. It is easy to forget how degrading the job hunt can be when you have been working comfortably for a while.
It’s not nuclear.
Relent control and fall in love with someone or something? Cynically speaking, being deeply in love is the most powerful and natural drug out there.
That's where some of my cynicism started. I fell in love with someone, help them go through a hard time in their life, and they left me after I helped them get back on their feet. I was told I was not as smart or as funny as their ex, and have had little success with dating since. end rant.
ok then you are not so cynical, are you? we have all been through rough patches like that, though, and we all need our time to heal when we’re hurt but the sooner we move on, the better... so just go out for a walk, breathe fresh air, try a new hobby and familiarise with different people... if you have a sweet heart then look for good-natured circles... and good luck!
Love doesn't need to be returned to be fulfilling. I love nature, but nature will kill me if I'm not careful. Nor do I have any idea if that beautiful, healthy blue pine over there thinks of me the same way. I still love it.
Inherent to "loving" is the ability to balance your connection to a thing with the limits of your boundaries and trajectories. It's that old saying, "if you love something, then let it go". If you love something, you also have the understanding that it lives its own "life", that you cannot control it and that it cannot control you. So, in loving, you'll have to accept that the thing which is loved is not you but is itself. You cannot encapsulate it.
Love was invented by advertisers to sell nylons...
This is cynicism. The original poster's complaints are not cynicism -- they are legitimate dissatisfaction and unhappiness with exploitation and manipulation. Legitimate dissatisfaction turns to cynicism when its sufferer concludes that some human relations are exploitative, so they all must be. The cure for cynicism is to recognize that it is still possible to make connections that are not exploitative and manipulative, and to seek out and nourish those.
(I realize this comment might have been intended as a joke, but this sort of bitter humor is often a symptom of real cynicism.)
Yes, half a joke, also a quote from Don Draper in Madmen. Great cynic character :)
It's helped me to always try and find the good in every situation. If someone is rude, then use it as a learning opportunity. If it's rainy, at least the plants are getting nourished. When it's cold, appreciate how warm it is at home.
Cynicism came from the ancient Greece and basically were a bunch of homeless people who were wandering around the streets, mocking and swearing at people. Many Kings loved them and they were always welcomed at their feasts and celebrations cause they had a different perspective about life and society that everyone was find absolutely hilarious. Cynical philosophers believed that in front of life or death, nothing really matters. Truth is I don't think they're crazy istead they are receiving reality 2x times than an ordinary person and they are over-sceptical and judgemental about things and how the system works.
I'll point you in the direction of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning: https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/03/26/viktor-frankl-mans-...
Or, if the memoirs of a holocaust survivor's search for meaning are too heavy, you can find watered down business book variations in Stephen Covey's Principle-Centered Leadership, or a more mystical variant in The Four Agreements if that's more your thing.
Some examples of ideas from Frankl's toolbox borrowed from existentialist thought -- one that you might find to be applicable is his idea that in the gap between any stimulus and response, no matter how terrible of a situation, every human gets the opportunity to make a choice -- and thus we can always maintain our freedom in this way. Keeping a positive attitude in the face of cynicism-inducing circumstances is one such choice. Or another tidbit he borrows from Nietzsche: He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Maybe you're just crabby because you have not yet found your life's purposeful work, which it seems like other commentators have suggested as well.
The way I see it right now, the world is yearning for competent bullshit-free actors. With the recent existence of light-speed communication, it's only due to inertia that all the rent-seeking bullshit players haven't yet crumbled into dust. Hope you can find a way to use your past experiences to be a positive force in the future. Aaron Swartz, rest in peace, would have admonished you to fix the machine, not the person: http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/nummi
For me it was entirely diet and exercise. Once I got my ‘house’ in order everything got a lot easier. I still have ups and downs - that is human nature - but the range between those extremes is much tighter now. I also make sure to get 7.5 - 8 hours of sleep every night.
Food and sleep + healthy eating and regular excercise. Sounds simple but most neglect one or more (or all) those aspects and wonder why they feel the way they do.
Edit: I forgot to include philosophy, it’s good to have some beliefs to ground you too. For me that is stoicism.
I'd suggest trying meditation if you haven't yet. It's amazing for learning to manage your thoughts and choose how to spend your energy and time.
I always feel great after spending time in groups doing something I'm interested in, like attending a concert, mechanical keyboard meetup, or makerspace class. It feels vindicating (not sure if that's the right word) to know that there are people out there like me, and there's always people who are even deeper into a hobby than I am.
Get a circle of people that satisfies your needs. Let most of the bullshit be outside of that circle.
People do that all the time, and also they do it online. That's why online communities exist. People share their bullshit, thinking it's not really bullshit, and then they have positive emotions and manage to get through the day.
It's unbelievable how much of an animal humans are. And that's exactly what drives the bullshit up. We just don't realize it.
In the grand scheme, many things are surprisingly unimportant. This too will pass.
If you’re in trouble and you can’t seem to get up, reach out and get help. There are people who care.
Check all the small stuff and see what you can do there. I swear by vitamin D3 for cutting down my mood swings. For some people sleep might be the issue, or noise pollution, or any number of persistent modern life issues. It all adds up, and you can usually track improvement by logging performance at e.g. fitness.
Also, if you haven't yet, read Enchiridion, one of the original Stoic texts. It is very much about what to do about this kind of stuff.
You can't avoid bullshit. Bullshit permeates everywhere, and even where you can't get oxygen to breathe. The real problem is that you are getting sucked into it. Just learn some detachment from the bullshit, wherever possible. In circumstances you can't avoid bullshit--where your bread/salary is at stake, just do your job to NOT harm your bread/salary/promotion/etc.
I had a similar problem and something that really opened my mind was to realize how angry I was. I was just an angry man waiting for the world to change in order to satisfy my needs. I read one book that completely opened my mind, probably one of my top self-therapy - Beyond Anger by Thomas Harbin
https://amzn.to/2RPEtcQ
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This advice works for me 100% of the time, but may not work for you. Whether it does or does not I'm going to present it as if it's the Golden Rule of life and hope it resonates with you.
1. The key is to pay attention to your own thoughts. Simply notice what you're thinking about. You can't be in this mode all the time, but when you do catch yourself thinking, observe the thought you just interrupted.
2. Don't judge your own thoughts. Don't even judge your own cynicism. This non-judgmental attitude is the first step to changing anything about your behavior and your state of mind, even if that seems counter-intuitive. Almost everyone has a resistance to that which assumes authority to judge. Don't assume you are the authority of your mind. There are so many reasons why you aren't, but the biggest reason is that you have no control over your subconscious mind. "You" lives in the conscious mind, and "You" believes it has control. But your brain sends a signal to your arm to move it half a second before "You" can even think of claiming responsibility for the action. Your mind is like a fluid. Stuff rises from the depths and sinks back down again and you mostly don't control that. It's a natural process. So there's no reason to judge anyways.
3. Ask yourself lots of questions about your thoughts. "Why" is the most important question. Explore your thoughts without judgement. Try and find the answers to these questions. You're allowed to speculate and you're allowed to get it wrong. It doesn't really matter.
4. Choose the thoughts that present consciously. This is the aspect of your mind that "You" has control over. If you ask enough questions you'll eventually be able to weed out the thoughts that don't do you any good. Simply choose not to think about them anymore. Don't try to get rid of them (that only draws more focus to the thought you don't want to think, instead simply tune in to a different station. If you find a cynical thought come to mind, just think about it a bit more deeply. Even if the thought is "true", you could look at your subject from different angles and find a less cynical perspective, one that is equally true, and find something about it that gives you energy or reminds you of what makes you happy.
5. Some thoughts come from a damaged place. If you find a wound, you'll have to address it. Once again, don't judge the thought that comes from the wound. You'll need to accept it and give it proper attention if you want to heal.
6. Sometimes certain thoughts just need to be ignored. Sometimes thoughts are meaningless and toxic. Just ignore them. No need to think about it more deeply if your brain is muttering about how much of a bitch that lady at the grocery store was. It's obviously nonsense. Learn to recognize thoughts that deserve your analysis and those that don't.
Cynicism is a delicate thing and often results from fear. It can be healthy in environments that encourage thoughtlessness, but toxic in environments that require hope, faith, relaxation and creativity. The biggest thing you should keep in mind is that everything can be seen from multiple different angles. This is why it's possible for a thousand people to hold a thousand different opinions on the same issue-- stuff is multi-faceted. Sometimes, there's no objective truth. You can choose to look at anything from any angle you want and find other truths even in the same object, thus immediately changing your state of mind in that direction.
This this this this this! @creep you are a poet!
There's a spectrum of cynicism: realistic based on facts and cognitive distortions not based in reality. Any curious, conscientious, honest, non-magical-thinking human being would more or less be on the border of anomous omnicide most of the time.
If you are not in to what you are doing in life, definitely consider change. Mindfulness is great, scale it up a bit. Add some yoga beforehand. Do you exercise?
News only twice a day? That sounds like a lot.
I cut out news nearly entirely. I've been happier. Especially political news.
Paddington 2 erases cynicism for days
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
Consider being crabby a sign of good mental health.
Social media isn't your problem. It's you.
You're cynical because your unrealistic expectations are not being met. Adjust your expectations, focus your energies elsewhere and you will be of a more positive outlook.